“Most cats, when they are out want to be in, and vice versa, and often simultaneously” ~ Louis F. Camuti DVM

“The phrase ‘domestic cat’ is an oxymoron” ~ George F. Will

“My husband said it was him or the cat… I miss him sometimes” ~ Unknown

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you later” ~ Mary Bly

“After scolding one’s cat one looks into its face and is seized by the ugly suspicion that it understood every word. And has filed it for reference” ~ Charlotte Gray

“Some people own cats and go on to lead normal lives” ~ Unknown

“No matter how much cats fight, there always seems to be plenty of kittens” ~ Abraham Lincoln

“The trouble with a kitten is that eventually it becomes a cat” ~ Ogden Nash

“What are kittens made of? 30% cuteness, 29% mischief, 28% purrs, 10% soft fur, 3% innocence” ~ Unknown

“A cat can purr its way out of anything” ~ Donna McCrohan

“The little furry buggers are just deep, deep wells you throw all your emotions into” ~ Bruce Schimmel

“When I play with my cat, how do I know that she is not passing time with me rather than I with her?” ~ Montaigne

“You own a dog but you feed a cat” ~ Jenny de Vries

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well” ~ Missy Dizick

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat” ~ Ellen Perry Berkeley

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow” ~ Jeff Valdez

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want” ~ Joseph Wood Crutch

“Time spent with cats is never wasted” ~ Sigmund Freud

“Everyone needs a dog to adore him, and a cat to bring him back to reality” ~ Unknown

“The reason cats climb is so that they can look down on almost every other animal… it’s also the reason they hate birds” ~ K C Buffington

“Cats can work out mathematically the exact place to sit that will cause most inconvenience” ~ Pam Brown

“A cat is there when you call her – if she doesn’t have something better to do” ~ Bill Adler

“A cat is a puzzle for which there is no solution” ~ Hazel Nicholson

“If your cat falls out of a tree, go indoors to laugh” ~ Patricia Hitchcock

“Cats like doors left open – in case they change their minds” ~ Rosemary Nisbet

“A cat doesn’t know what it wants and wants more of it” ~ Richard Hexem

“A cat will do what it wants when it wants, and there’s not a thing you can do about it” ~ Frank Perkins

“If the claws didn’t retract, cats would be like Velcro” ~ Dr Bruce Fogle

“Cats never strike a pose that isn’t photogenic” ~ Lillian Jackson Braun

“A baited cat may grow as fierce as a lion” ~ Samuel Palmer

“A cat will assume the shape of its container” ~ Unknown

“Two things are aesthetically perfect in the world; the clock and the cat…” ~ Emile Auguste Chartier

“Some people say man is the most dangerous animal on the planet. Obviously those people have never met an angry cat” ~ Lillian Johnson

“There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast” ~ Unknown

“Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer” ~ Bruce Graham

“The cat is the only animal which accepts the comforts but rejects the bondage of domesticity” ~
Georges Louis Leclerc de Buffon

“Those who’ll play with cats must expect to be scratched” ~ Cervantes

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/02/05/cat-quotes-i-mean-quotes-about-cats/feed/ 2 MumblingNerd No008_Max_(14-Jan-2008) No027_Max_fighting_(20-Jan-2008) No030_Max_(20-January-2008) No031_Max_birdwatching_(24-Jan-2008) No106_Max_(25-May-2008) No183_Max_(19-Oct-2009) No148_Max_(15-Jan-2009) No205_Max_(23-July-2010) No187_Max's_first_Christmas_card_(24-Dec-2009) No216_Max_(8-Jan-2011) No208_Max_(23-Sept-2010) No225_Max_&_gerbil_leaflet_(10-May-2011) No223_Max_&_Jurgend_(19-Mar-2011) No232 Max (17 Nov 2011) No230_Max_drinking_(27-July-2011) No234 Max (17 Nov 2011) http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/knock-knock/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/knock-knock/#comments Sat, 14 Jan 2012 15:46:23 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2624 ]]>

I don’t think these need an intro…

‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia’ ~ ‘Abyssinia who?’ ~ ‘Abyssinia when I get back!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adair’ ~ ‘Adair who?’ ~ ‘Adair once, but now I’m bald!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adam’ ~ ‘Adam who?’ ~ ‘Adam up and give me the total!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Adolf’ ~ ‘Adolf who?’ ~ ‘Adolf ball hit me in de mowf!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ahmed’ ~ ‘Ahmed who?’ ~ ‘Ahmed a big mistake coming here!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Aladdin’ ~ ‘Aladdin who?’ ~ ‘Aladdin the street wants a word with you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alex’ ~ ‘Alex who?’ ~ ‘Alex plain later!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alfred’ ~ ‘Alfred who?’ ~ ‘Alfred the needle if you sew!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ali’ ~ ‘Ali who?’ ~ ‘Ali Mentary my dear Watson!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Alison’ ~ ‘Alison who?’ ~ ‘Alison to my radio in the mornings!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ammonia’ ~ ‘Ammonia who?’ ~ ‘Ammonia little person and I can’t reach the doorbell!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Amy’ ~ ‘Amy who?’ ~ ‘Amy fraid I’ve forgotten!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Annie’ ~ ‘Annie who?’ ~ ‘Annie one you like!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Arch’ ~ ‘Arch who?’ ~ ‘Gesundheit!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bashful’ ~ ‘Bashful who?’ ~ ‘I can’t tell you, I’m too bashful!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Beats’ ~ ‘Beats who?’ ~ ‘Beats me, I forgot the joke!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bigotry’ ~ ‘Bigotry who?’ ~ ‘Bigotry than the one in your garden!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Bless’ ~ ‘Bless who?’ ~ ‘Thanks, but I didn’t sneeze!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Chester’ ~ ‘Chester who?’ ~ ‘Chester minute, don’t you recognise me?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Cows’ ~ ‘Cows who?’ ~ ‘No, cows moo!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Danielle’ ~ ‘Danielle who?’ ~ ‘Danielle so loud, I heard you the first time!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Des’ ~ ‘Des who?’ ~ ‘Des no bell, that’s why I’m knocking!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Diana’ ~ ‘Diana who?’ ~ ‘Diana thirst, can I have some water please?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dishes’ ~ ‘Dishes who?’ ~ ‘Dishes the police, open up!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dismay’ ~ ‘Dismay who?’ ~ ‘Dismay surprise you, but I want to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doctor’ ~ ‘Doctor who?’ ~ ‘That’s right; where’s my Tardis?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Doughnut’ ~ ‘Doughnut who!’ ~ ‘Doughnut open the door whatever you do!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Duke’ ~ ‘Duke who?’ ~ ‘Duke come here often!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Dunnap’ ~ ‘Dunnap who?’ ~ ‘Eeeugh!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Egbert’ ~ ‘Egbert who?’ ~ ‘Egbert no bacon please!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eileen’ ~ ‘Eileen who?’ ~ ‘Eileen’d on your doorbell and broke it!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ellis’ ~ ‘Ellis who?’ ~ ‘Ellis before M in the dictionary!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Elsie’ ~ ‘Elsie who?’ ~ ‘Elsie you later!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Emma’ ~ ‘Emma who?’ ~ ‘Emma bit cold out here, will you let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Europe’ ~ ‘Europe who?’ ~ ‘Europe early this morning!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Eva’ ~ ‘Eva who?’ ~ ‘Eva you’re deaf or your doorbell isn’t working!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ewan’ ~ ‘Ewan who?’ ~ ‘No, just me!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam who?’ ~ ‘Fitzwilliam better than it fits me!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Francis’ ~ ‘Francis who?’ ~ ‘Francis on the other side of the Channel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gladys’ ~ ‘Gladys who!’ ~ ‘Gladys Friday, aren’t you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gorilla’ ~ ‘Gorilla who?’ ~ ‘Gorilla cheese sandwich for me and I’ll be right over!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Gus’ ~ ‘Gus who?’ ~ ‘That’s what you’re supposed to do!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hammond’ ~ ‘Hammond who?’ ~ ‘Hammond cheese on toast, please!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Handsome’ ~ ‘Handsome who?’ ~ ‘Handsome chocolate over and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harriet’ ~ ‘Harriet who?’ ~ ‘Harriet all my lunch, I’m starving!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Harry’ ~ ‘Harry who?’ ~ ‘Harry up and open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hawaii’ ~ ‘Hawaii who?’ ~ ‘I’m fine thanks, how are you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Heaven’ ~ ‘Heaven who?’ ~ ‘Heaven seen you in ages!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hell’ ~ ‘Hell who?’ ~ ‘Hello to you too!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Henrietta’ ~ ‘Henrietta who?’ ~ ‘Henrietta toadstool, but thought it was a mushroom!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hijack’ ~ ‘Hijack who?’ ~ ‘Hijack, how’s Jill?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Honeydew’ ~ ‘Honeydew who?’ ~ ‘Honeydew you want to come out tonight?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Howard’ ~ ‘Howard who?’ ~ ‘Howard I know?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugh’ ~ ‘Hugh who?’ ~ ‘Hugh wouldn’t believe me if I told you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Hugo’ ~ ‘Hugo who?’ ~ ‘Hugo first, I’m right behind you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ice cream!’ ~ ‘Ice cream who?’ ~ ‘Ice cream if you don’t let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Imogen.’ ~ ‘Imogen who?’ ~ ‘Imogen life without chocolate!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Interupting cow’ ~ ‘Interupting cow wh..’>‘MOOO!!’<
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Isabel’ ~ ‘Isabel who?’ ~ ‘Isabel broken, because I had to knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivan’ ~ ‘Ivan who?’ ~ ‘Ivan infectious disease!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ivor’ ~ ‘Ivor who?’ ~ ‘Ivor good mind not to tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey’ ~ ‘Jeffrey who?’ ~ ‘Jeffrey time I knock, you ask me who I am!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jester’ ~ ‘Jester who?’ ~ ‘Jester minute I’m trying to find my keys!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Jim’ ~ ‘Jim who?’ ~ ‘Jim mind if I come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Judy’ ~ ‘Judy who!’ ~ ‘Judy liver newspapers?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Juicy’ ~ ‘Juicy who!’ ~ ‘Juicy what I just saw!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Justin’ ~ ‘Justin who?’ ~ ‘Justin time to let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ken’ ~ ‘Ken who?’ ~ ‘Ken I come in, it’s freezing out here?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Kenya’ ~ ‘Kenya who?’ ~ ‘Kenya not guess who is it?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ketchup’ ~ ‘Ketchup who?’ ~ ‘Ketchup with me and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lena’ ~ ‘Lena who?’ ~ ‘Lena little closer and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lettuce’ ~ ‘Lettuce who?’ ~ ‘Lettuce in and I’ll tell you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Little old lady’ ~ ‘Little old lady who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you could yodel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lucy’ ~ ‘Lucy who?’ ~ ‘Lucy Lastic can be embarrassing!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Lydia’ ~ ‘Lydia who?’ ~ ‘Lydia teapot is broken!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Major’ ~ ‘Major who?’ ~ ‘Major answer didn’t I!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mandy’ ~ ‘Mandy who?’ ~ ‘Mandy lifeboats, we’re sinking!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mary’ ~ ‘Mary who?’ ~ ‘Mary Christmas!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Me’ ~ ‘Me who?’ ~ ‘I didn’t know you had a cat!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Midas’ ~ ‘Midas who?’ ~ ‘Midas well open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mister’ ~ ‘Mister who?’ ~ ‘Mister last bus home!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Mort’ ~ ‘Mort who?’ ~ ‘Mort to the point, who are you?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Muffin’ ~ ‘Muffin who?’ ~ ‘Muffin the matter with me, how about you?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nicholas’ ~ ‘Nicholas who?’ ~ ‘Nicholas girls shouldn’t climb trees!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noah’ ~ ‘Noah who?’ ~ ‘Noah don’t know who you are either!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Nobody’ ~ ‘Nobody who?’ ~ ‘Just nobody!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Noise’ ~ ‘Noise who?’ ~ ‘Noise to see you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Norma’ ~ ‘Norma who?’ ~ ‘Normally I have a key!’
‘Neutrino…’ ‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’…
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oil’ ~ ‘Oil who?’ ~ ‘Oil be seeing you as soon as you let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olga’ ~ ‘Olga who?’ ~ ‘Olga home if you don’t open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Olive’ ~ ‘Olive who?’ ~ ‘Olive next door to you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Omelette’ ~ ‘Omelette who?’ ~ ‘Omeletting the cat in, open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Orange’ ~ ‘Orange who?’ ~ ‘Orange you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Oreo’ ~ ‘Oreo who?’ ~ ‘When Oreo going to open this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Owl’ ~ ‘Owl who?’ ~ ‘Owl I can say is knock knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Paul’ ~ ‘Paul who?’ ~ ‘Paul harder, the door’s stuck again!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Pier’ ~ ‘Pier who?’ ~ ‘Pier through the keyhole and you’ll see!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Plato’ ~ ‘Plato who?’ ~ ‘Plato fish and chips please’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quaint’ ~ ‘Quaint who?’ ~ ‘Quaint you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Qualm’ ~ ‘Qualm who?’ ~ ‘Qualm before the storm!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quay’ ~ ‘Quay who?’ ~ ‘Quay pon leaving me out here and there’ll be trouble!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Queue’ ~ ‘Queue who?’ ~ ‘Queue can let me in now!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Quit’ ~ ‘Quit who?’ ~ ‘Quit locking me out!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Renata’ ~ ‘Renata who?’ ~ ‘Renata milk; could I borrow some?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Robin’ ~ ‘Robin who?’ ~ ‘Robin you if you let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Salmon’ ~ ‘Salmon who?’ ~ ‘Salmon chanted evening, you may see a stranger…’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sari’ ~ ‘Sari who?’ ~ ‘Sari, wrong house!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Says’ ~ ‘Says who?’ ~ ‘Says me, that’s who!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scold’ ~ ‘Scald who?’ ~ ‘Scald outside, let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Scott’ ~ ‘Scott who?’ ~ ‘Scott nothing to do with you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sesame’ ~ ‘Sesame who?’ ~ ‘Open sesame!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Seymour’ ~ ‘Seymour who?’ ~ ‘Seymour if you had glass in the door’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sherwood’ ~ ‘Sherwood who?’ ~ ‘Sherwood like to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Shirley’ ~ ‘Shirley who?’ ~ ‘Shirley you know who I am?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Signor’ ~ ‘Signor who?’ ~ ‘Signor light on, so I knocked!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sloane’ ~ ‘Sloane who?’ ~ ‘Sloanely outside, let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sofa’ ~ ‘Sofa who?’ ~ ‘Sofa, so good, now let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sonia’ ~ ‘Sonia who?’ ~ ‘Sonia postman with a parcel!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Snow’ ~ ‘Snow who?’ ~ ‘Snow good asking me, I don’t know!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stan’ ~ ‘Stan who?’ ~ ‘Stan back, I’m coming in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch’ ~ ‘Stopwatch who?’ ~ ‘Stopwatch you’re doing and let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Sultan’ ~ ‘Sultan who?’ ~ ‘Sultan pepper!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tank’ ~ ‘Tank who?’ ~ ‘You’re welcome!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tennis’ ~ ‘Tennis who?’ ~ ‘Tennis five plus five!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Teresa’ ~ ‘Teresa who?’ ~ ‘Teresa green!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thayer’ ~ ‘Thayer who?’ ~ ‘Thayer sorry and I won’t thay another thing!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thermos’ ~ ‘Thermos who?’ ~ ‘Thermos be a better knock knock joke than this!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Thistle’ ~ ‘Thistle who?’ ~ ‘Thistle be the last time I knock on this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tish’ ~ ‘Tish who?’ ~ ‘Bless you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Titus’ ~ ‘Titus who?’ ~ ‘Titus it can be!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tobias’ ~ ‘Tobias who?’ ~ ‘Tobias a pig, that’s why I went to market!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toby’ ~ ‘Toby who?’ ~ ‘Toby or not Toby, that is the question!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Twit’ ~ ‘Twit who?’ ~ ‘Do you have an owl in there?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toodle’ ~ ‘Toodle who?’ ~ ‘Goodbye!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Touch’ ~ ‘Touch who?’ ~ ‘Touch me and I’ll screem!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Toucan’ ~ ‘Toucan who?’ ~ ‘Toucan live as cheaply as one!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuba’ ~ ‘Tuba who?’ ~ ‘Tuba toothpaste!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Tuna’ ~ ‘Tuna who?’ ~ ‘You can tuna a piano, but you can’t tuna fish!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turner’ ~ ‘Turner who?’ ~ ‘Turner round, there’s something behind you!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Turnip’ ~ ‘Turnip who?’ ~ ‘Turnip late again and your fired!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uphill’ ~ ‘Uphill who?’ ~ ‘Uphill’s easier to swallow with water!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Uruguay’ ~ ‘Uruguay who?’ ~ ‘Uraguay and I’m a girl!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Vanda’ ~ ‘Vanda who?’ ~ ‘Vanda you vant me to come in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Verdi’ ~ ‘Verdi who?’ ~ ‘Verdi you get those curtains?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waddle’ ~ ‘Waddle who?’ ~ ‘Waddle you give me to go away?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Waiter’ ~ ‘Waiter who?’ ~ ‘Waiter minute, it’ll come back to me…’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wanda’ ~ ‘Wanda who?’ ~ ‘Wanda when you’ll let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wander’ ~ ‘Wander who?’ ~ ‘Wander buy some cookies?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Ward’ ~ ‘Ward who?’ ~ ‘Ward do you care who it is?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Watson’ ~ ‘Watson who?’ ~ ‘Watson the menu today?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wayne’ ~ ‘Wayne who?’ ~ ‘Wayne are you going to let me in?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Weaken’ ~ ‘Weaken who?’ ~ ‘Weaken work it out, just let me in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Will’ ~ ‘Will who?’ ~ ‘Will you let me in please?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wilma’ ~ ‘Wilma who?’ ~ ‘Wilma lunch be ready soon?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe who?’ ~ ‘Wooden shoe like to know!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenia’ ~ ‘Xenia who?’ ~ ‘Xenia through the keyhole!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Xenophile’ ~ ‘Xenophile who?’ ~ ‘Xenophile anywhere? I’ve lost mine!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘X-ray’ ~ ‘X-ray who?’ ~ ‘X-ray Ted!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yah’ ~ ‘Yah who?’ ~ ‘Ride em cowboy!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yam’ ~ ‘Yam who?’ ~ ‘I Yam what I yam!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yelp’ ~ ‘Yelp who?’ ~ ‘Yelp me please, by dose is stuck in the keyhole!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘You’ ~ ‘You who?’ ~ ‘Did you call?’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yukon’ ~ ‘Yukon who?’ ~ ‘Yukon let me in now!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yul’ ~ ‘Yul who?’ ~ ‘Yul never guess!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Yvonne’ ~ ‘Yvonne who?’ ~ ‘Yvonne to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zap’ ~ ‘Zap who?’ ~ ‘Zap bout time you opened this door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zealot’ ~ ‘Zealot who?’ ~ ‘Zealot of us waiting to come in!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zebra’ ~ ‘Zebra who?’ ~ ‘Zebra iz too tight, I voot like to exchange it for a larger size!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zepher’ ~ ‘Zepher who?’ ~ ‘Zepher nately time to open the door!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zero’ ~ ‘Zero who?’ ~ ‘Zero of ze doorbells are all broken, so I had to knock!’
‘Knock, knock!’ ~ ‘Who’s there?’ ~ ‘Zone’ ~ ‘Zone who?’ ~ ‘Zonely me, can I come in?’

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/01/14/knock-knock/feed/ 2 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/mumblingnerds-blog-2011-in-review/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/mumblingnerds-blog-2011-in-review/#comments Sun, 01 Jan 2012 11:30:45 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2604 ]]> The WordPress.com stats helper monkeys prepared a 2011 annual report for this blog.

Here’s an excerpt:

The concert hall at the Syndey Opera House holds 2,700 people. This blog was viewed about 15,000 times in 2011. If it were a concert at Sydney Opera House, it would take about 6 sold-out performances for that many people to see it.

Click here to see the complete report.

Filed under: MumblingNerd ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2012/01/01/mumblingnerds-blog-2011-in-review/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/nottinghams-robin-hood-statue/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/nottinghams-robin-hood-statue/#comments Thu, 15 Dec 2011 14:08:59 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2539 ]]>

Robin Hood statue

Nottingham’s Robin Hood statue was unveiled on 24 July 1952 by the Duchess of Portland, Ivy Cavendish-Bentinck, of Welbeck in Nottinghamshire.

It was donated to the city by Nottingham industrialist Philip E F Clay, of Radcliffe-on-Trent near Nottingham, who gave £5,000 to Nottingham City Council. He requested that it should mark the visit of Princess Elizabeth and the Duke of Edinburgh on 28 June 1949, for the 500th anniversary of the 1449 Charter making the Borough of Nottingham into a separate County from Nottinghamshire.

The 2.1 metre high bronze statue was sculpted by James Woodford RA, a former student of the Nottingham School of Art, and made by Morris Singer & Co of Basingstoke, Hampshire. It was estimated that it should last for 6,000 years.

Line drawing of the Robin Hood statue (© Nottingham City Council)

James Woodford was born in Nottingham in 1894, before moving to London. James also designed Queen Elizabeth’s heraldic beasts which were made especially for the royal approach to Westminster for the Coronation in 1953.

The site for the statue, in the dry moat outside the Castle, was chosen in November 1951 by Nottingham City Council for its medieval character and for the legendary association with Robin Hood.

The statue stands alone; James Woodford said at the time “Personally I think it would have been too sentimental to put Maid Marian with Robin Hood.” But around the statue are reliefs depicting scenes from the legends; Maid Marian helping Robin and Friar Tuck in their fight against Guy of Gisborne’s men, Richard the Lionheart joining Marian’s hand with Robin’s, Little John and Robin fighting on a bridge and Robin shooting his last arrow.

Robin Hood is one the world’s best known and most enduring legends, the stories attract visitors from all over the world, who come to see the statue and have their photograph taken standing next to it.

The Robin Hood statue and the Castle Gatehouse are just a few minutes walk along Friar Lane from the Old Market Square.

The Robin Hood statue and Nottingham Castle Gatehouse

For other information about Nottingham click here

If you want to know more about Nottingham’s past there is further information in ‘Events and dates in Nottingham’s history’ and through these websites:

The Nottinghamshire Heritage Gateway

The Thoroton Society of Nottinghamshire

Nottingham Local Studies Library

Filed under: Nottingham ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/12/15/nottinghams-robin-hood-statue/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd Robin Hood Statue (2005) Robin Hood Statue (© Nottingham City Council) Robin Hood Statue & Castle Gatehouse (2005) http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/star-trek-gags/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/star-trek-gags/#comments Mon, 05 Dec 2011 17:27:06 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2496 ]]>

Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc.

A small miscellaneous collection of jokes for Trekkies, linked, however loosely, to various Star Trek TV series.

Well, you have to start with THE classic:

How many ears does Captain Kirk have? ~ Three: the left ear, the right ear and the final front ear

Mr Spock has pointed ears and Mr Scott has engineers

Why was Star Trek so successful? ~ It had good Genes

‘Bones’ McCoy: “I’ve borrowed Mr Scott’s bagpipes” ~ Kirk: “But you can’t play them” ~ ‘Bones’ McCoy: “While I’ve got them, neither can he”

Why did Worf change his hair colour? ~ It was a good day to dye

Will Riker’s dating philosophy: ‘If at first you don’t succeed, try Troi again’

What do Romulan frogs use for camouflage? ~ A croaking device

The Ferengi have opened a new restaurant on the Moon; the food’s great, but there’s no atmosphere

What’s Jean-Luc’s favourite card trick? ~ Picard, any card

The Borg ~ Wrappers are futile; chocolate will be assimilated

We are the Borg; ESC is futile, CTRL is inevitable, your files will be assimilated

Star Trek Books

‘Chekov The Navigator’ I Kiptin

‘Data’s Positronic Brain’ Anne Droid

‘Resist’ Stan Sisfutile

‘You’ Will B Assimilated

‘Make it Sew’ #1 Needlework book ~ Jean-Luc Picard

Changing a light bulb

How many Vulcans does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Approximately 1.00000000000000000000000000000000

How many Klingons does it take to change a light bulb? ~ None, because Klingons aren’t afraid of the dark

How many Ferengi does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Two; one to change it and one to sell the old bulb as an antique

How many Borg does it take to change a light bulb? ~ All of them collectively

How many Enterprise crew members does it take to change a light bulb? ~ Three; one to change it and two red shirted security men to die in the process

Crossing the road

Why did Mr Scott’s chicken cross the road? ~ Because it couldna take much morrrrrrre!

Why did the Vulcan chicken cross the road? ~ It was the logical thing to do

Why did the Borg cross the road? ~ To assimilate the chicken

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/12/05/star-trek-gags/feed/ 2 MumblingNerd Official 40th Anniversary Star Trek logo. Copyright 2007 Paramount Pictures and CBS Studios Inc. http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/10/18/tommy-cooper-one-liners/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/10/18/tommy-cooper-one-liners/#comments Tue, 18 Oct 2011 13:29:26 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2452 ]]> Tommy Cooper (1921 – 1984) was a very popular British comedian and magician, who tragically died in the middle of his act on live television. A very funny but flawed man who made a lot of people laugh. I think it’s time to revisit some of his old, traditional but funny, one-liners.

A dog bit a chunk out of my leg the other day. A friend of mine said: ‘Did you put anything on it?’ I said: ‘No, he liked it as it was.’

A man walks into a greengrocer’s and says: ‘I want five pounds of potatoes please.’ And the greengrocer says: ‘We only sell kilos.’ So the man says: ‘Alright then, I’ll have five pounds of kilos.’

I went to Millets and said: ‘I want to buy a tent.’ He said: ‘To camp?’ I said: (butchly) ‘Sorry, I want to buy a tent.’ I said: ‘I also want to buy a caravan.’ He said: ‘Camper?’ I said: (campily) ‘Make your mind up.’

Now here’s a quick laugh. Do this tomorrow. Walk into an antiques shop and shout: ‘What’s new?’

I went into the bank today. I said: ‘Could you check my balance?’ They pushed me over!

A man goes into a petshop. He says: ‘I’d like to buy a wasp please.’ The shopkeeper says: ‘Sorry Sir, but we don’t sell wasps.’ Man says: ‘But you’ve got one in the window!!’

I got into the ring with Muhammad Ali once and I had him worried for a while. He thought he’d killed me!

Throughout our marriage, my wife has always stood by my side. She had to. We’ve only got one chair.

I’m on a whiskey diet. I’ve lost three days already.

A man goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him that he has three minutes to live. ‘Doctor what can you give me?’ The man says. ‘A hard boiled egg,’ says the doctor.

A child of three can do this trick. I wish he was here now.

Just before the show the producer took me to one side. And left me there. He said: ‘How do you feel tonight?’ I said: ‘A bit funny’ He said: ‘Well get out there before it wears off.’

Did you hear that joke about the fire-eater? She hiccuped and cremated herself.

I met this man at the airport and I asked him if he’d like to share a taxi with me. He said he would, I said: ‘You take the engine, I’ll take the wheels!’

I went to Blackpool on holiday and knocked at the first boarding house that I came to. A woman stuck her head out of an upstairs window and said: ‘What do you want?’ ‘I’d like to stay here’ ‘Ok. Stay there.’

My wife wanted to go to the ballet. I said: ‘I’m not going to sit and watch a lot of people on their toes in long underwear.’ She said: ‘You don’t have to. Wear your tuxedo.’

I always call a spade a spade, until the other night when I stepped on one in the dark.

I’ve got a wife who never misses me. Her aim is perfect!

This old man was dying and he called his nephew to his bedside. He said: ‘I’m leaving you all my money.’ The nephew said: ‘Thank you, Uncle. What can I do for you?’ He said: ‘Get your foot off my oxygen tube.’

Every day she takes the car out, she comes back with the same question: ‘Guess who I ran into.’

In days of old, when knights were bold, the king turned to his knight and said: ‘What have you been doing today?’ The knight said: ‘I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf, burning the villages of your enemies in the north.’ The King said: ‘But I don’t have any enemies in the north.’ The knight said: ‘I’m afraid you do now.’

Stand in a library and go ‘Aaagghh!’ and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in.

I love bathing beauties, but the trouble is I never bathe any.

When the nurse told my mother she had an eight-pound bundle of joy, she said: ‘Thank God, the laundry’s back!’

When I asked her to whisper those three little words that would make me walk on air, she said: ‘Sure… go hang yourself.’

My wife is really into Do-It-Yourself. Every time I ask her to fix something, she says: ‘Oh, do it yourself!’

My wife does her own decorating, but she overdoes it. The other day I opened the fridge and there was a lampshade on the light bulb.

I swam the English Channel once. ‘But a lot of people have swum the Channel.’ Lengthwise?

I had a wonderful dream last night. I dreamed that Brigitte Bardot came up to me and said: ‘I will grant you three wishes. Now what are the other two?’

A drunk was brought into a police station. He pounded his fist on the counter and said: ‘I want to know why I’ve been arrested.’ The sergeant said: ‘You have been brought in for drinking.’ He said: ‘Oh, that’s all right, then. Let’s get started!’

I’m recovering from a cold. I’m so full of penicillin that, if I sneeze, I’ll cure someone.

A woman told her doctor: ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor said: ‘It’s old age.’ The woman said: ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘OK. You’re ugly as well.’

A woman phoned her husband and said: ‘The carburettor is full of water.’ ‘Where’s the car?’ the man said. ‘In the river,’ she replied.

I always sit in the back of a plane. It’s much safer. You never hear of a plane backing into a mountain!

In Las Vegas, they gamble everywhere. I went into a drug store for an aspirin and the girl behind the counter said: ‘I’ll toss you, double or nothing.’ I lost. I came out with two headaches.

I said to the girl in the shop: ‘I want to buy a hat.’ She said: ‘Fedora?’ I said: ‘No, for myself!’

I was showing my wife this one. I said: ‘Look at this dear.’ I always call her dear. She’s got antlers growing out of the side of her head.

I was woken up this morning by a tap on the door. I must remember to get the plumber to take it off.

Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said: ‘Parking Fine.’

I knew a hypochondriac who wouldn’t visit the Dead Sea until he found out what it died of!

She still plays the piano by ear… but sometimes her earrings get in the way.

A piano-tuner was called to a nightclub to tune the piano. He was at it for five hours, but the bill only came to £3. The manager said: ‘Is that all? How come you worked for five hours to tune the piano and you only charge £3?’ He said: ‘What?’

I went to the doctor the other day, I said: ‘I’ve broken my leg in three places.’ He said: ‘Don’t go to those places.’

I got into this taxi and I said to the driver: ‘King Arthur’s Close.’ And the driver said: ‘Don’t worry Tommy, I’ll shake him off at the first corner.’

This guy bought his wife a burial plot for her birthday. The following year, when he bought her nothing, she complained. He said: ‘What are you complaining about? You didn’t use the present I bought you last year!’

The town was so dull, one day the tide went out and it never came back.

A policeman stopped me the other night, he taps on the window of the car and says: ‘Would you please blow into this bag, Sir’ I said: ‘What for, Officer?’ He says: ‘My chips are too hot.’

When I was a kid, I went to a psychiatrist for one of those aptitude tests. On the desk he put a pitchfork, a wrench, and a hammer and he said to the nurse: ‘If he grabs the pitchfork, he’ll become a farmer. If he grabs the wrench, he’ll be a mechanic, and if he takes the hammer, he’ll be a carpenter.’ I grabbed the nurse!

People learn something new every day. Why, just today, my wife learned that a car won’t climb a telephone pole.

It wasn’t easy to get us kids to eat olives. I had to start off on Martinis!

I came from a very poor family of five children. We all used to sleep in the same bed. In fact, I never slept alone until I got married.

I went to see the doctor the other day. I had to. He was ill.

A leopard went to see a psychiatrist. He said: ‘Every time I look at my wife, I see spots before my eyes.’ The psychiatrist said: ‘That’s only natural.’ The leopard said: ‘But, doctor, she’s a zebra.’

Once I painted a girl in the nude and I almost froze to death.

This fellow walked into a bar with a chicken under one arm and a crocodile under the other. The barman said, ‘What’ll you have?’ He said: ‘A whisky and soda.’ Then the crocodile spoke up and said: ‘I’ll have a gin and tonic.’ The barman said: ‘That’s amazing. I’ve never seen a crocodile that could talk before.’ He said: ‘He can’t. The chicken’s a ventriloquist.’

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/10/18/tommy-cooper-one-liners/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/even-more-mumblingnerd-quips/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/even-more-mumblingnerd-quips/#comments Wed, 12 Oct 2011 16:16:18 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2427 ]]>
I’m not getting on very well with this keyboard; it’s just not my type.

I only asked for a leg of lamb from our butcher, but he’s given me the cold shoulder.

While I was waiting at the airport recently I heard a Scottish dating advert; “Free Wife, Aye”

I’m feeling rubbish today; this always happens when I put the trash out.

An Australian friend asked me if I thought his bad eye would see better with glasses, so I said ‘Good eye might’.

I should’ve picked the cactus up with my left hand, now I feel a right prick.

Does the phrase; ‘two daft male cattle’ contain more than one silly bull?

I’d always wanted to win a pastry throwing competition, but it was just pie in the sky.

I have more silent drum kits than you can shake a stick at… ah, just realised where I’m going wrong.

I have a yen to visit Tokyo.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

The jockey who is always first past the post must be the reining champion.

Blood is thicker than water, although that’s irrelevant even when mixing fruit cordials for relatives.

The writing is on the wall for graffiti.

I’ve been involved in a dispute about sharpening tree felling tools, but then I did have an axe to grind.

Horse meat was once sold in a lot of British butcher shops, but they were flogging a dead horse.

I’ve been burning the candle at both ends and now I’m at my wicks end.

I’m so angry after being hit in the face by a fake Chinese vase; I’m faux Ming at the mouth.

I had a dream about two countries ruled by pets; it was reigning cats and dogs.

William Tell’s son was the apple of his eye.

I started to look out the window to see what the weather was up to, but decided to give it a rain check.

Pheasants, turkeys, geese, partridges, chickens & ducks! Not only a poultry list, but also fowl language.

I’m absolutely and utterly infatuated and totally LOVE hyperbole!

If you’re responsible for ripping a dollar in half then don’t pass the buck.

If Egyptians renounced the use of ketchup, would that be the sauce of denial?

I managed to buy twelve rare collectable postcards for only 10 US cents, but then found out they were a dime a dozen.

I can’t decide if I like this variable temperature hair dryer; I’m blowing hot and cold.

A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush, unless the two in the bush are sought after by collectors.

A friend of ours works as a hairdresser for the police, but it wasn’t his first brush with the law.

Went to get food at a takeaway, but changed my mind because the owner had a chip on his shoulder.

Milliners are very irritable; they can get angry at the drop of a hat.

My work is piling up because of this tree trunk on my shoulders, although it’s only a small back log.

Never thought I’d figure out what this gateau was; but it was a piece of cake in the end.

I’m trapped in a tiny gap next to the wall; I got out of the wrong side of the bed this morning.

If a priest kept making the sign of the cross at a fancy dress party, would it be a blessing in disguise?

Avoid tabloid journalists; hack shuns speak louder than words.

I tried backing up my PC, but I had to stop when I got to the wall.

Is there any truth in the old saying “Absinthe makes the fart grow longer”?

Amputations cost an arm and a leg these days.

The vet suggested I try the carrot and stick approach with our cat, but sellotape won’t stick to the carrot.

Using chopsticks on rice goes against the grain.

If doctor’s self medicate, do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Don’t worry about ferry crossings; we’re all in the same boat.

Take some proper topiary lessons and stop beating about the bush.

A fool and his money are easily parted; that’s why so many clowns fall for email scams.

Computers made from the outer layers of a tree are all bark and no byte.

Chocolate’s a good thing isn’t it? So how come you can have too much of a good thing?

Is YO! Sushi the derivation of the phrase ‘what goes around, comes around’?

‘The ability of one compound to dissolve in another compound’ ~ Surely there has to be a solution here?

Don’t repair timepieces; you’ll always be working against the clock.

The sponge is good, but the frosting is the icing on the cake.

If wind is gusting, when it ceases, is it disgusting?

Presumably McDonald’s car park ‘Reverse with care’ notice is a back-up sign?

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play, MumblingNerd ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/10/12/even-more-mumblingnerd-quips/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/a-bigger-selection-of-short-jokes-and-word-play/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/a-bigger-selection-of-short-jokes-and-word-play/#comments Tue, 27 Sep 2011 15:10:43 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2403 ]]> Well, I have to put them somewhere.

A couple of the jokes are repeated elsewhere in this blog, but they still make me laugh, so I’ve left them in :^)

I couldn’t for the life of me remember how you throw a boomerang, but then it came back to me.

Question of the day: what’s the definition of a will? (It’s a dead giveaway)

Just driven past a minor, but costly looking accident, now I know how a Mercedes bends.

My pencil keeps breaking every time I sharpen it, I’m giving up now, it’s pointless.

A friend’s dog managed to swallow a few coins; he’s keeping his eye on it, but says there’s no change yet.

I always wanted to learn how to juggle, but I just don’t have the balls to do it.

It’s hard to beat a boiled egg in the morning.

I’ve just torn up a note pad and wrapped it around my stomach; it was a waist of paper.

I’ve been trying to push the envelope at work, but it’s still stationery.

I’m okay now, but when my hair first started to turn grey I thought I’d dye.

What do expensive muesli and a 13amp socket have in common? Alternating currants.

A teacher at the local school had to go for an eye test; he couldn’t control his pupils.

I think my local dry cleaners can repair my trousers, or at least sew its seams.

Our old settee felt terrible until recently, but now it’s fully recovered.

The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

How can you tell when you’ve run out of invisible ink?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

I saw a beaver film last night; it was the best dam film I’ve ever seen.

I’ve never been able to bend the truth; I think it’s a lie ability.

Wear short sleeves and support your right to bare arms!

Do you think there are signs at drug rehabilitation centres that say ‘KEEP OFF THE GRASS’?

In some cultures Petri is a shallow circular dish best served at room temperature on a multi-well plate.

How do you get Holy Water? Boil the hell out of it.

42.7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hall. One hat said to the other, ‘You stay here, I’ll go on a head.’

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

If you ever get onto a plane and recognise a friend called Jack, don’t shout ‘Hi Jack!’

At our local recycling centre dead batteries can be handed in free of charge.

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

Houdini was known to have used a lot of trap doors in his act at one time, but he was just going through a stage.

I’d like to have more self-esteem, but I don’t deserve it.

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

What did the stamp collector say when he was complimented? ‘Philately will get you no where’.

Our local butcher was busy serving customers when he backed into his meat slicer; now he’s got a little behind in his work.

We were so poor when I was growing up we couldn’t even afford to pay attention.

If cattle had a sense of humour, would they be a laughing stock?

Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

I used to eat donuts every single day, but then I got tired of the hole thing.

A good pun is its own reword.

Grammarians are never late; they’re always very punctual.

Two rights don’t make a wrong; they make an aeroplane.

My inferiority complex isn’t as good as everyone else’s.

A friend told me about an acquaintance who employs a butler with a missing left arm; serves him right.

Question: what is a prisoner’s favourite punctuation mark? Answer: a period, because it’s at the end of a sentence.

I’m not telling my wife I’ve just eaten some glue; my lips are sealed.

The little old lady who lived in a shoe wasn’t the sole owner; there were strings attached.

Abominable: word used to describe an explosive device swallowed by a male bovine.

A stonemason who misspells a word on a gravestone is engrave trouble.

Most rocks have been around for a long time, but we shouldn’t take them for granite.

Why can’t fishermen be generous? Because their business makes them sell fish.

Aesop was famous for his foibles.

Walking on hot coals is no mean feet.

I’ve heard that being castrated is a eunuch experience.

Hermaphroditism is an end in itself.

I went to the record shop and I said ‘What have you got by The Doors?’ He said: ‘A bucket of sand and a fire blanket!’

Two peanuts were walking through a rough neighbourhood and one of them was a salted.

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered in chocolate sauce; Police think that he topped himself.

How do you make antifreeze? Hide her cardigan.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

If you choke a Smurf, what colour does it turn?

If at first you don’t succeed, then skydiving probably isn’t for you.

Apparently overheard in a United Nations toilet; ‘urination of strange people’.

My grandfather was shrewd; people threw small mammals at him ‘till he suffocated.

To some people, marriage is a word, to others, it’s a sentence.

It’s better to love a short person than not a tall.

My desire to be a dermatologist was only skin deep.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

Smokers are the same as everyone else; just not as long.

Two can live as cheaply as one, for half as long.

Two goldfish were in a tank. One says to the other: ‘How do we drive this thing?’

A man just tried to sell me Supergirl, Lara Croft and Wonder Woman. I think he might be a heroine dealer.

I always wanted to be somebody, but I should have been more specific.

A friend once dated a very peculiar whisky maker, but he loved her still.

A cannibal ate a missionary and got a taste for religion.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers today, but I couldn’t find any.

A local balloon factory had to close due to inflation, it was quite a blow.

A patient went to see the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The psychiatrist said: ‘Well, I can clearly see your nuts’.

According to Santa’s lawyer, all of his little helpers are subordinate clauses.

Two psychiatrists pass each other; one says hello and the other one wonders what he meant by it.

A tourist had to get an eye test while visiting an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

My pet centipede just died. I suppose I shouldn’t be too surprised; it was on its last legs.

I bought eight legs of venison for £40; is that two deer?

I was thinking about making a comeback, but I haven’t been anywhere.

Don’t read a pop-up book about giraffes unless you wear glasses.

My genetic insanity is very fit and healthy; it runs in the family.

Spoonerists are teople poo.

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.

Six out of seven dwarfs are not Happy, but only one out of seven is Grumpy.

Think outside the box; it’s too late once you’re in it.

I took the shell off my racing snail to try and speed it up, but it just made it sluggish.

I’m confused; oh hang on, maybe I’m not.

Why can’t you starve in the desert? Because of the sand which is there.

Why did the scientist fit his front door with an old-fashioned knocker? He was a Nobel Prize winner.

5/4ths of people have problems with fractions.

If life gives you melons, you may be dyslexic.

A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the motorway; Police have confirmed there will be no congestion for eight hours.

What’s red and bad for your teeth? A brick.

Noah sent Ham, and his descendants mustered and bred in the sand which is in the desert.

What do you call the wife of a hippie? Mississippi.

What do you get if you cross a motorway with a wheelbarrow? Run over.

Why do ducks have webbed feet? To put out fires. Why do elephants have flat feet? To put out burning ducks.

What’s green and runs around your garden? A hedge.

There are three kinds of people; those who can count and those who can’t.

Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back.

How can you tell when an economist is lying? Their lips are moving.

The economy is so bad that the Mafia is starting to lay off judges.

Money talks. The trouble is, it only knows one word; goodbye.

Money isn’t everything, but it does keep the children in touch.

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather. Not screaming and terrified like his passengers.

Always remember that you are unique; just like everyone else.

The healthiest part of a donut is the hole. Unfortunately, you have to eat through the rest of the donut to get there.

I have friends who swear they dream in colour but it’s just a pigment of their imagination.

Why was the broom late? It overswept.

What’s green and smells like yellow paint? Green paint.

Time flies like an arrow, fruit flies like a banana.

Why do ghouls and demons get on so well? Because demons are a ghoul’s best friend.

Heard about the dating agency for chickens that went bust? Apparently they couldn’t make hens meet.

Why did the turkey cross the road? To prove it was no chicken.

Two yoghurts walk into a bar. ‘We don’t serve your kind in here’ says the bartender’ A yoghurt asks ‘Why not, we’re cultured’.

Dr Watson was in a bar, it was past closing time and he was a bit drunk. ‘Come on’ said the barman ‘Haven’t you got Holmes to go to?’

A saw and a hammer go into a bar and some other tools join them; the saw turns to the hammer and says ‘You know the drill, don’t you?’

The Italians are installing a clock in the Leaning Tower of Pisa; after all, what good is the inclination if you don’t have the time?

Fortune tellers are very easy to buy clothes for; they’re all mediums.

The boy cannibal was expelled from school for buttering up the teacher.

God was tired after making a 24 hour period, so he decided to call it a day.

If you dream that you’re writing The Lord of the Rings, are you just Tolkien in your sleep?

How does the man in the moon get his hair cut? Eclipse it.

Some cultures consider swallowing and expelling a fountain pen a write of passage.

What’s the difference between a duck? One leg is both the same.

A man spent his life collecting memorabilia of Wonder Woman, Joan of Arc and Florence Nightingale; apparently he was a heroine addict.

When a clock is very hungry it goes back four seconds.

Mary had a little lamb, and then she had some dessert.

Maharishi Mahesh Yogi refused painkillers during his root canal work; he wanted to transcend dental medication.

Police arrested two people, one was drinking battery acid and the other was eating fireworks; they charged one and let the other one off.

What did one deoxyribonucleic acid say to another? Do these genes make me look fat?

A double negative forms a positive, but apparently there is no language where a double positive is a negative. Yeah, right.

A Pepsi executive has been fired; he tested positive for Coke.

Why are tenors like pirates? Because they’re both murder on the high C’s.

The human cannonball wanted to retire, but the circus owner couldn’t find a replacement of his calibre.

After many attempts a scientist successfully cloned his own genes; he was so thrilled, he was beside himself.

The best time to add insult to injury is when you’re signing someone’s plaster cast.

How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb? Fish.

What’s red and invisible? No tomatoes.

How many tech-support people does it take to change a light bulb? I don’t know, but have you tried turning it off and then on again?

What do you call twin policemen? Copies.

My friend’s ex-wife was deaf and she left him for a deaf friend; to be honest, he should have seen the signs.

Why did the skeleton refuse to go bungee jumping? He didn’t have the guts.

Why did the ram fall over the cliff? He didn’t see the ewe turn.

Why don’t oysters give to charity? They’re shellfish.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn’t work? A stick.

Why couldn’t Count Dracula’s wife sleep? Because of his coffin.

First thing this morning, there was a tap on our door; our plumber has an odd sense of humour.

Why does ‘smiles’ hold the record as the longest word in the dictionary? Because the two ‘s’s are a mile apart.

What do you call a parrot in the rain with an umbrella? Polyunsaturated.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

How does a Dalek keep its skin soft? EXFOLIATE!

Why did the Dalek cross the road? To EXTERMINATE! the chicken.

What did the Spanish fireman call his sons? Jose and Hose B.

One arm butlers; they can take it but they can’t dish it out.

A shoe factory has burnt down; two hundred soles were lost.

A police station toilet has been stolen; officers have nothing to go on.

I used to work at Kwik-Fit, but I gave up the job; every day I was tyred and exhausted.

Postman: ‘Is this letter for you; the name is smudged?’ Man: ‘No, it can’t be for me, my name’s Smith’.

Two elephants walk off a cliff… boom, boom!

Apparently bread is quite dangerous; over 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

LOTTERY: A tax on people who are bad at maths.

WARNING: Dates on the calendar are closer than they appear.

PURITANISM: The haunting fear that someone somewhere might be happy.

Why is ‘abbreviation’ such a long word?

‘Dad, can I have another glass of water please? ~ ‘But I’ve given you 10 already!’ ~ ‘Yes, but the bedroom’s still on fire!’

Son: ‘Dad, can I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Dad: ‘MAY I go to the bathroom?’ ~ Son: ‘But I asked first!’

A Vicar and a Buddhist are having toast when an image of Jesus appears in the margarine; the Buddhist says ‘I can’t believe it’s not Buddha’.

Coffee beans were chewed for more than 400 years before the first cup of coffee was brewed; nail biters might want to consider the new business venture possibilities here.

I’m a dyslexic, atheist, insomniac; I stay up all night wondering if there really is a Dog.

Never get behind the Devil in a Post Office queue, for the Devil has many forms.

I have all the money that I’ll ever need; as long as I die by 4pm today.

How many dyslexics does it take to light a change bulb?

Change is inevitable; except from vending machines.

With the application of sufficient thrust pigs fly really well.

Thought I’d visit some different stores, but when you’ve seen one shopping centre you’ve seen a mall.

The problem with being punctual is that nobody is there to appreciate it.

Oh dear, I just let my mind wander, but it hasn’t come back yet.

The probability of someone watching you is proportional to the stupidity of your action.

Everything seemed to be coming my way today, but I was just in the wrong lane.

To err is human; to successfully blame it on someone else shows management potential.

I’ve been revising for a practical exam on pest control; I was up all night swatting.

There’s been a vote to decide on a theory to replace continental drift; plate tectonics won by a land slide.

I’m trying my hand at computer hacking, but I think I need a larger machete.

I have a portable stereo that looks like a large cake; it’s a gateaux blaster.

Pigs don’t like using the telephone when there’s crackling on the line.

A friend of mine was a brick layer before he went to prison; to this day he still isn’t a free mason.

Surely it ought to be possible to achieve at least one giggle out of every ten word plays? No pun in ten did.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/09/27/a-bigger-selection-of-short-jokes-and-word-play/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/09/16/twitter-gags/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/09/16/twitter-gags/#comments Fri, 16 Sep 2011 17:33:48 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2374 ]]>

A handful of Twitter inspired jokes:

 
I used to like to think of something really stupid to say and then not say it; then along came Twitter.

Watch what you eat AND watch what you say; as with food, you are what you tweet.

I’ve been thinking about Tweeting to someone in jail, but the sentence was too long.

Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to retweet it.

After ‘M’onday and ‘T’uesday all you’re left with is ‘WTF’.

LMAO… damn, now where am I going to sit?

Some tweeters have a way with words, others don’t not have none.

‘Doctor, Doctor, I think I’m addicted to Twitter’ ~ ‘Sorry, I don’t follow you’

Twitter’s great; I neither put on weight nor feel uncomfortable when I’ve had too much Tweet.

I wanted to follow UK politicians Nick Clegg and Vince Cable on Twitter, but I can’t ad-lib.

I was going to tweet about anticlimaxes, but then I didn’t.

My canary has stopped chirping. Please retweet.

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/09/16/twitter-gags/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/07/27/more-mumblingnerd-quips/ http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/07/27/more-mumblingnerd-quips/#comments Wed, 27 Jul 2011 13:07:18 +0000 MumblingNerd http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/?p=2312 ]]>

I thought I’d post some of my previously unpublished Twitter comments and pointless aphorisms, or ‘witticisms’ as I like to call them:

One of the doctors at our local surgery is getting very angry, he keeps losing his patients.

I’ve been trying to persuade people to become enthusiastic organ donors, but they won’t put their heart into it.

I recently bought some very expensive perfume as a gift; I’ve no common scents.

In our living room the curtains are drawn, but the rest of the furniture is real.

You can now buy lactose free milk if you’re intolerant; if my feet lacked toes I’d be intolerant.

Once when I was camping there was a terrible fire; the heat was in tents.

I just had a great idea for a pencil with erasers at both ends, but what would be the point?

When you empty cesspits, are you taking the piss?

A bottle of coke just fell out of the fridge onto my foot, it’s a good job it was a soft drink.

My friend’s wedding was very emotional, even the cake was in tiers.

Someone in the geometry lesson had their rubber bands confiscated; they were classed as weapons of math disruption.

I brought some Toulouse sausages today, now I can’t find them; they must have been too easy Toulouse.

My local garden centre won’t swap my old Christmas tree for a bush, but I suppose a fir exchange is no shrubbery.

Our best friend bakes bread, so we’ve signed over the deeds to our house; a friend in knead is a friend in deed.

A little knowledge is a dangerous thing; I just tripped over a very small encyclopaedia.

I used far too much water to extinguish two fires, but a man’s got too dowse what a man’s got two dowse.

I fancy hurling a jug onto the beach; surely a pitcher is worth a throw sand-wards.

After much personal abuse, I got hold of an adorable painting of someone’s jaw; if you can’t stand the hate get art of the cute chin.

A yarn about a creepy shop that kept a tally of floors of buildings it sold would be a scary storey score store story. (Was that worth the effort; it wasn’t was it?)

I nearly got a book out of the library called ‘HOW to HUG’, but then realised that it was volume seven of an encyclopaedia.

I don’t think whoever coined the phrase ‘quiet as a mouse’ has ever stepped on one.

I usually manage to do a few exercises very early in the morning; before my brain works out that I’m not fetching chocolate.

I just suggested to our cat that he does something useful, but all he’d say was ‘Me, how?’

I used to have lots of Velcro cable grips, but I can’t find any now. I must be losing my grip.

If I climb up inside a church tower, would I be inspired?

I couldn’t drive out of a parking space today, but I had a back up plan.

Freudian slip: clothing worn under a see-through blouse.

Nuclear physics is much better than the old, cloudy physics.

Stealing a talking bird is a mynah offence.

My neighbour removed two panels and a post from our boundary; he must have taken a fence after something I said.

Parisian taxis are liable to drive you in Seine.

Where can I get a hollow victory? I have a substantial one, but it’s too heavy.

I ate a really good Thali recently, but there wasn’t any otter in the Tarka Dal.

Egyptian boatmen are in denial.

There’s a bottle in the fridge that says it’s ‘still water’; I’ll check again tomorrow to see if anything changes.

I don’t see the point of pocket calculators; who has that many pockets?

I’ve been struggling to find a new role; then I remembered two wholemeal ones in the freezer.

A friend thought I wouldn’t want a mention in their poem, but I’m not a verse to it.

If a pig gets laryngitis, would it be disgruntled?

Perfume use is widespread, because it’s scent everywhere.

If all is not lost, where is it?

1848 ~ Horse drawn buses appeared in Nottingham, although they were inept, as the horses couldn’t hold the pencil properly.

I have one of those memory foam cushions, but I can’t remember where I put it.

After problems with my browser I had to disable some cookies; now my keyboard is clogged with crumbs.

I’m getting irritated with email & spam; simultaneously reading mail & opening a can of meat is multi-tasking.

I tried to use a chat-room while I was at the library, but they kept shushing me.

Does anyone else have problems with instant messaging? My post-its won’t stick to the monitor.

Will someone tell me how to use a spam filter? I’ve made a hell of a mess with the last can.

I’ve been trying to save a progressive JPEG in a reactionary format, but my PC is too liberal.

This sentence has absolutely no odour whatsoever. In other words, it’s complete non scents.

I saw a huge new funeral parlour opening today; it was quite an undertaking.

Where did Noah keep the woodworm, termites and woodpeckers?

Stationery traffic has been blamed on the huge number of vehicles delivering envelopes & writing paper.

The situation is posterous, although beforehand it was preposterous.

An apple a day keeps the doctor away, if you throw it hard enough.

The only thing you have to fear is fear itself… & bugs, & the dark, & strangers, & hairs in food, & pigeons, & door knobs…

People first arrived in North America by crossing from Russia to Alaska; they’d got lost & couldn’t get their Bering Strait.

The letters A, E, and U are making me very tetchy today; apparently I’m suffering from irritable vowel syndrome.

A local police officer was bribed with just a few coins, but change is as good as arrest.

I enjoy ironing as much as oral surgery and appreciate that I very rarely have to iron, but I don’t appreciate the irony.

I dropped some very unripe stone fruit in the ocean once; just to plum the depths of tastelessness.

As a designer, am I facing in the right direction? Anyway, back to the drawing board.

In art class we had to sketch drinking straws; I drew the short straw.

Our pet chicken constantly runs up and down stairs, so we changed her name to Stephen.

The face painter at the local fête said they couldn’t paint teddies, but that’s just a bear faced lie.

Sometimes elevators get me down, but other times they’re quite uplifting.

What happens if you meet someone online, but you don’t click?

I’ve been trying very hard to sketch with correcting fluid, but I’m drawing a blank.

I’ve tried everything to end a disagreement; oak twigs, chestnut sticks, haven’t tried an olive branch yet.

I have a great bee and beef pie recipe, if anyone feels like eating hum bull pie?

If you helped a one-eyed person whose artificial glass one was in back to front, would you be turning a blind eye?

It’s really hard to persuade someone to wear two slices of bread for an art project; perhaps I should have buttered them up first?

Just had an argument about someone’s clavicle; it’s obviously going to be a bone of contention

Parents are choosing Spanish/Scandinavian names for their babies; there’s Juan Bjorn every minute.

I’ve been playing chess on the floor instead of the table; I really need to raise my game.

Do a couple of those look familiar to you? I thought so. Here am I thinking I’m being original and creative and I’m probably inadvertently copying them from somewhere else. Never mind; they’re probably the funniest ones.
:^)

For other stuff in this blog, click on these links:

Daft stuff; humour, jokes, quips and gags

Puns and word-play

Quotations

Filed under: Humour & Word-play, MumblingNerd ]]> http://mumblingnerd.wordpress.com/2011/07/27/more-mumblingnerd-quips/feed/ 0 MumblingNerd