“I would imagine that if you could understand Morse code, a tap dancer would drive you crazy” ~ Mitch Hedberg
“I picked up a hitch hiker. You’ve got to when you hit them” ~ Emo Philips
“I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn’t it” ~ Groucho Marx
“I bought an anti-bullying wristband when they came out. I say ‘bought’, I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid” ~ Jack Whitehall
“Three blokes walk into a pub. One of them is a little bit stupid, and the whole scene unfolds with a tedious inevitability” ~ Bill Bailey
“Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?” ~ George Carlin
“Consciousness: that annoying time between naps” ~ Anonymous
“I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again” ~ Tim Vine
“Happiness is having a large, loving, close-knit family in another city” ~ George Burns
“I worry that the person who thought up Muzak may be thinking up something else” ~ Lily Tomlin
“Money can’t buy you happiness but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery” ~ Spike Milligan
“Dave drowned. At the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it’s what he would have wanted” ~ Gary Delaney
“Remember that age and treachery will always triumph over youth and ability” ~ David Brent
“Exercise is a dirty word… Every time I hear it, I wash my mouth out with chocolate” ~ Charles M Schulz
“Santa Claus has the right idea – visit people only once a year” ~ Victor Borge
“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing” ~ Emo Philips
“I tell you, we are here on earth to fart around, and don’t let anybody tell you different” ~ Kurt Vonnegut
“A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer” ~ Mitch Hedberg
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know” ~ Groucho Marx
“I do not have OCD. I checked, three or four hundred times, and I definitely don’t have it” ~ David Mitchell
“I don’t like my hands. I always keep them at arm’s length” ~ Tim Vine
“Somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said “Parking Fine” ~ Tommy Cooper
“I’m sick of following my dreams. I’m just going to ask them where they’re goin’, and hook up with them later” ~ Mitch Hedberg
“Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read” ~ Groucho Marx
“My grandmother started walking 5 miles a day when she was 60. She’s 97 now, and we don’t know where the hell she is” ~ Ellen DeGeneres
“He’s not the Messiah. He’s a very naughty boy!” ~ Brian’s mother, Life of Brian
“I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me” ~ Mitch Hedberg
“I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P something T something R” ~ Tim Vine
“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?” ~ Stephen Wright
“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes” ~ Jack Handey
“If trees could scream, would we be so cavalier about cutting them down? We might, if they screamed all the time, for no good reason” ~ Jack Handey
“Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies” ~ Groucho Marx
“All the world’s a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed” ~ Sean O’Casey
“Not a shred of evidence exists in favor of the idea that life is serious” ~ Brendan Gill
“She said she was approaching 40, and I couldn’t help wondering from which direction” ~ Bob Hope
“My wife and I were happy for 20 years. Then we met” ~ Rodney Dangerfield
“The trouble with the rat race is that even if you win, you’re still a rat” ~ Lilly Tomlin
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia” ~ Charles Schulz
“Stand in a library and go aaagghh! and everyone just stares at you. But do the same thing on an aeroplane, and everyone joins in” ~ Tommy Cooper
“We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog. Well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet” ~ Rita Rudner
“It takes a big man to cry, but it takes a bigger man to laugh at that man” ~ Jack Handey
“I am a nobody. Nobody is perfect. Therefore, I am perfect” ~ Anonymous
“I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet” ~ Rita Rudner
“Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things” ~ George Carlin
“Great moments in science: Einstein discovers that time is actually money” ~ Gary Larson
“I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn’t mine” ~ Rita Rudner
“Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway” ~ Anonymous
“But I’m not so think as you drunk I am” ~ Samuel Smiles
“I intend to live forever, or die trying” ~ Groucho Marx
“Cheese – milk’s leap toward immortality.” ~ Clifton Fadiman
“Fortunately ah keep mah feathers numbered for, for just such an emergency.” ~ Foghorn Leghorn
“If you’re depressed and called Morgan spend the first half of the day in Germany for some positive affirmation.” ~ Milton Jones
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